Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Don't Stop Believing

40.  The number of times I've been all the way around the sun.  In the cosmic scale of the universe, 40 years is nothing.  A nanosecond.  Barely the blink of an eye.  And in truth, that's how long it feels like sometimes.  As you get older, it really does seem like time moves faster and faster.  25 feels like last week.  10 feels like last year.  5 was two summers ago.  I always thought when I turned 40 I would feel old, but instead I feel like barely any time has passed at all.  But then I stop and actually consider all that has happened in my lifetime, and it boggles my mind.  It is then when I start to realize how much can happen with each orbit around the sun.  So many events I have witnessed, so many people whose lives I have crossed.  So many sights, smells, laughs, tears, and meals I have shared.  They say your brain keeps a perfect record of everything that has ever happened to you, we just don't know how to access it all.  If we did, there are so many things I would want to experience again.  And probably just as many that I would want to keep locked away forever.  But looking back on all the times I do remember, I marvel at how every one of those experiences led me to this point in my life.  Everything I have ever done in my 40 years on this planet has brought me to right here.  So many triumphs, so many failures.  So many good times.  So many not.  So many things I wish I could do over, exactly as they were, and so many I wish I could do over, period.  But despite the regrets I may have in my life, I don't regret the life I have.  It has been a hell of ride so far, one that constantly surprises and mystifies me.  I'm still figuring it all out, and in truth I probably will never understand it all, but I kind of think that's the point.  We're all part of some giant science experiment designed to see what happens when crazy is allowed to run amuck untethered.  Half the fun of life is watching us bump into each other, trying to understand what the hell we're all doing here and why.  Sure, it can get volatile sometimes and bad things happen when the wrong chemicals mix, but when the right kind of crazy interacts, the results can be magic.  In just the past year alone I experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  So many things I wish I could undo, just as many I wish I could relive over and over again.  With a year like that, I'm sure voyage around the sun number 41 will be just as amazing, frustrating, exhilarating, disappointing, spectacular and heartbreaking as the last 40.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Somebody once said,  "It's not the destination, it's the journey." I really do believe that.  Then again, we could all be saying it wrong and it could actually be, "It's not the destination, it's the Journey," meaning the 80's rock band fronted by Steve Perry.  And considering how crazy everything else on earth can be while we spin around the sun, that almost makes more sense.

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